The strangers I live with.

As many of you don't know, I moved to the university where I did my first year of college (the grace period between then and now was a tragic time in my life where I learned a lot. That story is for another time).

I am a sophomore living in a dorm. I have a freshman roommate whom I have never before met in my life. It is not an enticing situation to me. Luckily, I got a sane roomie. For the most part, anyway (we are all mostly crazy, in my opinion.) She doesn't like socializing very much, though.

Scene: I turned the TV on and shuffled through some channels until I came upon Grease


Me: Oh wow! We got a classic on tonight, B!

B: 


Me: Damn, they had style back then.

B: 


Unfortunately, I turned around to see her with headphones on; those big kind that Jay-Z, Hipsters, and Asians wear. Naturally they block out everything, even the sound of your own farts. So, I had no hope of conversing with her like regular roommates.

I suppose my relationship with B is better than the one that I have with my suite mates. Lastnight, I was about to get into the shower and one of my suitemates silently opened her door (which happens to be right next to the shower), so when I turned around, she scared the ever-living piss out of me. The weird thing is, she didn't say anything. It was a silent and terrifying moment for me.

I live in a weird Twilight Zone with zombies. And introverted girls.

... Great.

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving.

My Thanksgiving went a little like this:

Starve until mid afternoon, smelling all the food being prepared and not being able to eat until the complete feast is ready

Drink wine on empty stomach, get buzzed

Finally feast. Get so full, you can only move your ass to the couch (in my case, the floor) and lay in misery for an hour only able to get enough energy to text someone back

Get up from being turkey drunk and feel rejuvenated

Make way back to kitchen, feast more, mostly on dessert that you didn't have room for before

Lay back down

Time in-between eating becomes less as the night goes on

Spend hours eating and preparing for Black Friday Assault

Eleven thirty: gather shopping warriors in family and begin the adventure

Wait outside Kohls, doors open at midnight. Watch drunk kid jostle his junk in front of man in car

Doors open to Kohls, the chaos begins

Spend five minutes darting to the things on your list to get at store, then find line

Line is in the back of the store, Wait in line for an hour to pay

Exhaustion takes you after first ten minutes of waiting

... Two more stores to go.

3 a.m.: Fall asleep, having dreams of British Literature class being held at a store during Black Friday

I'm never doing that again. But, I did get a cool memory foam floor mat for my bathroom.

Cheers to those partying Pilgrims and Indians all those years ago.

Because this is awesome.

Fuck. Yes. I am going to order it for next year.

"You have a beluga whale, mine is bigger, like a great blue whale."

My conversation today with Farmboy:

Me: Whale you be my friend? .________________.

Farmboy: Haha, nice.

Me: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION SHAWN!

Farmboy: I will be your friend.

Me: NO. You are SUPPOSED to say "Yes, I whale be your friend .______________. "

Farmboy: Yes, I whale be your friend .________.

Me: That was the most precious thing you have ever said to me :3 Whale be friends forever! ._________________.

Farmboy: Yes we whale ._________.

There is hope for him, ladies and gentleman.

Things that annoy me that I want to blog about because I am bored and need something to entertain me tonight.

I can't complain about things on Facebook or else people would have a pussy fit and start a personal attack against me on my status update. So, here you go.


1. I fucking hate people that don't know the definition of awkward.
"That awkward moment when my cat jumped on my lap."
Am I the only one that sees pure stupidity in these statements? Am I missing a really bad joke?

2. I hate that awkward moment when everyone wonders why my siblings and I look nothing alike.
See what I did there?

3. I hate when people freak out in the beginning of a very ripe, fresh relationship and want an answer to something like this: "WELL DO YOU FUCKING LOVE ME AND WANT TO BIRTH MY CHILDREN OR DO YOU JUST HATE ME SO MUCH THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!?"
Patience is a virtue. Patience is also a big, bad bitch.

4. I hate people who say they hate reading.
I bet you can still read between the lines.

5. I hate it when people tell me I over-analyze things.
At least I have a brain. That functions. And has depth. This is a horrible argument to back up that statement, but I don't care. Just never tell me that, or I'll pluck your toes off and make that horrible scraping noise with a fork on a plate until you go insane.

I'll leave you with five so that I don't get too much hate mail (From my hundreds of followers, that is... hahahaha. Funny joke).

This makes me forget about all the things I hate and instead I piss my pants laughing:

Yours,

D.T.

Unicorns are everything that is awesome in life.

Today has had its ups and down, and it is only mid-afternoon, mind you.
It started off with school, which was fantastic. My only class today was Brit Lit, which was incredibly fun. Honestly, my literature classes have so far have consisted of the most sexual discussions I've ever had with a group of strangers. Undoubtedly, we always end up talking about sex, or naked women, or big, burly... Men. And other related topics.

After school, I came on home to a lovely afternoon to myself. I turned on my favorite TV channel, The Current, to watch my favorite documentary program: Vanguard. Today was an episode about Tiger Farms in China. It almost made me hate China/Asia, but my love for Asians overruled it... I mean, only a few Asians are destroying the lives of my favorite animal and selling their bones in wine, right? If you have no idea what I am talking about, watch this.
(Viewer discretion advised, it is truly a sad event.)

BUT THEN as I was perusing the internet I came upon something quite revolutionary in the gaming world, and by gaming world, I mean MY gaming world, specifically.
The Sims 3 Pets comes out in October, and with that, one of my dreams is fulfilled. There will be pets galore-- including and not limited to Horses (my favorite), dogs, cats, hedgehogs, rodents, birds, etc. I thought it was simply enough that they have an expansion pack for pets coming out, but the honorable workers at EA Games decided to take it one step further and INCLUDE this majestic and pure creature--
Click Here To See The Majestic and Pure Creature.

I can die happy now. Wait...
I will gladly die happy after I get to play this game for hours on end.

Yours,

D.T.

Some people's kids...

Minions-

I have two jobs. One is at the pet store, the other is with elementary students everyday after school. I work with about 20 kindergarteners, and about 20 1st and 2nd graders. As you can imagine, it gets a little... interesting, per se.

Dialogue from this week so far:

Setting: Parousing through the Ripley's Believe it or Not book.
Child 1: Hey, is that a monkey?
Child 2: No... I think that is Abe Lincoln.

Setting: Girls Bathroom
Girl: (the last to leave the bathroom, I am following shortly behind her)
What IS that? *staring at leg*
Woops, I think I got pee on my leg!

Setting: Cafeteria
Child 1: You are my bestest friend in the world forever.
Me: Do you know what my name is?
Child 1: ... I uh, forgot.

I fricken love my job.

Yours,

D.T.