Saturday, November 26, 2011

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving.

My Thanksgiving went a little like this:

Starve until mid afternoon, smelling all the food being prepared and not being able to eat until the complete feast is ready

Drink wine on empty stomach, get buzzed

Finally feast. Get so full, you can only move your ass to the couch (in my case, the floor) and lay in misery for an hour only able to get enough energy to text someone back

Get up from being turkey drunk and feel rejuvenated

Make way back to kitchen, feast more, mostly on dessert that you didn't have room for before

Lay back down

Time in-between eating becomes less as the night goes on

Spend hours eating and preparing for Black Friday Assault

Eleven thirty: gather shopping warriors in family and begin the adventure

Wait outside Kohls, doors open at midnight. Watch drunk kid jostle his junk in front of man in car

Doors open to Kohls, the chaos begins

Spend five minutes darting to the things on your list to get at store, then find line

Line is in the back of the store, Wait in line for an hour to pay

Exhaustion takes you after first ten minutes of waiting

... Two more stores to go.

3 a.m.: Fall asleep, having dreams of British Literature class being held at a store during Black Friday

I'm never doing that again. But, I did get a cool memory foam floor mat for my bathroom.

Cheers to those partying Pilgrims and Indians all those years ago.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Friday, October 14, 2011

"You have a beluga whale, mine is bigger, like a great blue whale."

My conversation today with Farmboy:

Me: Whale you be my friend? .________________.

Farmboy: Haha, nice.


Farmboy: I will be your friend.

Me: NO. You are SUPPOSED to say "Yes, I whale be your friend .______________. "

Farmboy: Yes, I whale be your friend .________.

Me: That was the most precious thing you have ever said to me :3 Whale be friends forever! ._________________.

Farmboy: Yes we whale ._________.

There is hope for him, ladies and gentleman.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Things that annoy me that I want to blog about because I am bored and need something to entertain me tonight.

I can't complain about things on Facebook or else people would have a pussy fit and start a personal attack against me on my status update. So, here you go.

1. I fucking hate people that don't know the definition of awkward.
"That awkward moment when my cat jumped on my lap."
Am I the only one that sees pure stupidity in these statements? Am I missing a really bad joke?

2. I hate that awkward moment when everyone wonders why my siblings and I look nothing alike.
See what I did there?

3. I hate when people freak out in the beginning of a very ripe, fresh relationship and want an answer to something like this: "WELL DO YOU FUCKING LOVE ME AND WANT TO BIRTH MY CHILDREN OR DO YOU JUST HATE ME SO MUCH THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!?"
Patience is a virtue. Patience is also a big, bad bitch.

4. I hate people who say they hate reading.
I bet you can still read between the lines.

5. I hate it when people tell me I over-analyze things.
At least I have a brain. That functions. And has depth. This is a horrible argument to back up that statement, but I don't care. Just never tell me that, or I'll pluck your toes off and make that horrible scraping noise with a fork on a plate until you go insane.

I'll leave you with five so that I don't get too much hate mail (From my hundreds of followers, that is... hahahaha. Funny joke).

This makes me forget about all the things I hate and instead I piss my pants laughing:



Thursday, September 15, 2011

Unicorns are everything that is awesome in life.

Today has had its ups and down, and it is only mid-afternoon, mind you.
It started off with school, which was fantastic. My only class today was Brit Lit, which was incredibly fun. Honestly, my literature classes have so far have consisted of the most sexual discussions I've ever had with a group of strangers. Undoubtedly, we always end up talking about sex, or naked women, or big, burly... Men. And other related topics.

After school, I came on home to a lovely afternoon to myself. I turned on my favorite TV channel, The Current, to watch my favorite documentary program: Vanguard. Today was an episode about Tiger Farms in China. It almost made me hate China/Asia, but my love for Asians overruled it... I mean, only a few Asians are destroying the lives of my favorite animal and selling their bones in wine, right? If you have no idea what I am talking about, watch this.
(Viewer discretion advised, it is truly a sad event.)

BUT THEN as I was perusing the internet I came upon something quite revolutionary in the gaming world, and by gaming world, I mean MY gaming world, specifically.
The Sims 3 Pets comes out in October, and with that, one of my dreams is fulfilled. There will be pets galore-- including and not limited to Horses (my favorite), dogs, cats, hedgehogs, rodents, birds, etc. I thought it was simply enough that they have an expansion pack for pets coming out, but the honorable workers at EA Games decided to take it one step further and INCLUDE this majestic and pure creature--
Click Here To See The Majestic and Pure Creature.

I can die happy now. Wait...
I will gladly die happy after I get to play this game for hours on end.



Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Some people's kids...


I have two jobs. One is at the pet store, the other is with elementary students everyday after school. I work with about 20 kindergarteners, and about 20 1st and 2nd graders. As you can imagine, it gets a little... interesting, per se.

Dialogue from this week so far:

Setting: Parousing through the Ripley's Believe it or Not book.
Child 1: Hey, is that a monkey?
Child 2: No... I think that is Abe Lincoln.

Setting: Girls Bathroom
Girl: (the last to leave the bathroom, I am following shortly behind her)
What IS that? *staring at leg*
Woops, I think I got pee on my leg!

Setting: Cafeteria
Child 1: You are my bestest friend in the world forever.
Me: Do you know what my name is?
Child 1: ... I uh, forgot.

I fricken love my job.



Sexual G.P.

My dearest Minions,

As promised, I have a pleasant guest today on my blog.

Everyone, Meet Sexual G.P.

Sexual G.P. is a very unique Guinea Pig living at the pet store I work at. I was first introduce to him earlier this summer when I first got the job. He was a lone guinea pig in the guinea pig pen waiting for a doe-eyed child to whisk him away to an obnoxious and overbearing home. One of the other employees knew I had a growing attachment to him. The day came when a family asked to inspect Sexual G.P. for adoption, and so I went to tell Bart (other employee) the news so he could open up the GP cage.

Bart: I hope they only have one GP.
Me: Why do you say that?
Bart: Well. He doesn't exactly get along well with other guinea pigs. He is sensitive. He fights with them... HE IS JUST. TOO. SEXUAL!!

And then he walked away, as if what he said was not life changing for me. Naturally, I busted out laughing (I'll tell you more Bart stories later, the personality of this kid is pure gold). From that day forth, Sexual G.P. was his name, and he laid like a pile in his pink igloo like the sexual GP master that he was.

A few weeks later, I came to notice that Sexual G.P. was missing. It was a sad few days without him there, but then one day, a mother and her two children came in with a GP return. She said he wasn't eating and they were getting concerned.
LOW AND BEHOLD, IT WAS THE SEXUAL G.P. I have theories as to why he was not eating, the main one being he missed me so much that he lost his appetite.

Needless to say, Sexual G.P. is still being housed at the pet store, but in a type of "quarantine" room because obviously, he is too sexual for the other guinea pigs.

I was checking up on him the other day with another employee:
Me: Is Sexual G.P. still in the back?
Her: Who???
Me: The sexual guinea pig. Sexual G.P.
Her: OHHHH, The horny pig. Yeeeup, still in the back.

Horny Pig. Who says shit like that? Hilarious.

There you go, my Minions. A little rodent humor for your day. I still need more on this bandwagon! Spread the love, my people. I have much more coming for you.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Ultimately, I am starting this blog because of a whim and my desire to become the next Bloggess or J.K. Rowling. Maybe even the next Jesus. Who knows?

I am here to tell you about Sexual GP, the "College" I go to, my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and minor relationships (I can't retain long-term, it's fate). My goal is to be somewhat interesting and humorous. I am not following ANY of the blogging rules that I looked up prior to starting this blog. They all seemed too constricting. I feel like my life is too narrow to start a new creative blog that nobody has thought of before. My imagination took a hike after I turned six, or something. Also, I am too poor to begin a cooking blog (they aren't kidding about Ramen every night in college), and I am also too poor to pay people to read what I write.
Basically I am a broke-ass white girl from North Dakota trying to test out her skill at blogging. I recently tried vlogging... although, that story will have to wait for a later date. Needless to say, I never even posted one video.
We are just getting to know each other, obviously. Quite frankly, I don't even know YOUR name yet. Mine is D.T. The initials stand for whatever you want them to be. Only Jesus and the Tooth Fairy know the real truth about my name. And by the way, *spoiler alert* the Tooth Fairy is my mother and is probably also yours, too.

I DO want to know you. Followers are important. And right now, as you can see, I have a miniscule amount of them. The beautiful few of you who will follow me in my early days get the honor of having my full attention, even if you hate me.

I am not out to please you with what I write, but I do like advice. I hate advice that I did not ask for, so if I bite your head off, don't take it too personally. I also take things personally (hypocritical, I know). So use gentle words with soft emotions in them.
If you discover my blog and actually read it, shoot me a comment or a message and tell me about yourself. If you are feeling brave, go ahead and critique my writing. I charge $1 for every complaint. Flattery is free.